Toll diary - Recognizing The Untrue Thinking

This is how I got my obstacle crushed. I love to daydream, imagining, fantasizing that I am successful, making my peer jealous, imagining the future that is so perfect to me, all the belonging, relationships. It is my comfort zone for since I was adolescence. If I was denied, rejected, fail or so, that is the quick rebound. Now I know the true meaning of surrender.

I met this guy and feel that as I did, he also feel the attraction. Over the course of one year, I develop this imagination about we build family together. I was not in great condition on 2017, so there is plenty of time spent on fantasizing. Truly, there is none romantic pursuance happened, in fact it was just pure professional. When I resigned, and then my best friend got engaged to be married, it fell to the deepest me, even though there is quite sometimes my reasoning would come back and I stopped stalking him for a while.

In my reasoning I said to myself:"even though you feel it, you don't know the true picture of the situation. It might be that it becomes so difficult because you too are not meant to be together, character-wise, or else" -- but I keep rebound in thinking of him.

And then last week I saw proof of his relationship with a girl on social media. I was so sad. This time I try so hard not to stir the story and be purely sad. There were times when my mind try to explain the situation, the 'if', I just watch it. I know I can't fight it. When my mind pushes me to revisit the website most of the time I don't act it. I used to vent a lot to people (to no use), but this time only one, and only briefly. I mourn quietly. There's a lot of tears.

Today, I can't quite say it is better, but I received an insight. The two last conversation was he saying "Sorry, I am in a meeting, I will call you back" - which he didn't. And another message from me if he is available to talk was answered "Sorry, I am driving". Very cold. How come I dismissed this fact and build stories on my own- for months?

I can tell you it is the most uncomfortable unrest of me dealing with this disappointment. Yes, when observed, the pain is just agitation, a feeling that when I look through, it is okay. But I always try to get away from it. This experience taught me of the many situation I try to deal with same fantasizing story. I hope I can be stronger in handling my mind.